BARACK OBAMA'S FIRST HUNDRED DAYS

Day 15 - February 3, 2009

President Obama's new Office of Heavenly Things announced two grants for scholars to study "messiahs then and now."  The "now" messiah was not named, but one of the scholars once predicted that a modern messiah would come from Chicago machine politics.

The White House announced that the president's new health plan, in addition to covering Bush Derangement Syndrome, would now cover Obama Derangement Syndrome.  This is a disease of leftists, traumatized by the fact that Mr. Obama has yet to declare America a Marxist state.  It's treated by taking short trips outside Manhattan and Berkeley.

As a gesture to civil libertarians, Mr. Obama said that Federal wiretapping would be replaced by doortapping.  Under the new plan, Federal agents would be authorized by court order to tap on suspects' doors and, once they're admitted, listen in on any conversations the suspects have.  Some cops said they didn't think suspects would say much with agents there, but the president denounced this as Bush-style thinking.

The Agriculture Department said ice cream would now be included in food stamp and other subsidy programs as a means of fighting global warming.

The Defense Department said it saw positive signs in Iran's announcement that its new atomic bomb will be used only to clear weeds.

Caroline Kennedy was appointed head of the new White House Council to Attract Big Names.  Her responsibilities were undefined. 

The president said that his new program for repairing the nation's infrastructure would emphasize green policies.  He said he looked forward to the system of canals that would allow Americans to get to work by sailboat.  He denied that we would run out of wind power, saying wind always made a comeback.

"What you see is news.  What you know is background.  What you feel is opinion."
    - Lester Markel,
      late Sunday editor of
      The New York Times

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