BARACK OBAMA'S FIRST HUNDRED DAYS

Day 22 - February 10,  2009

Secretary of Melting Al Gore called for a Congressional investigation into revelations that global warming has stopped.  Gore speculated that BUSH stopped it before leaving office by sending loads of dry ice into space on military rockets.

White House sources revealed that President Obama had offered Jesse Jackson the ambassadorship to Iceland.  The president, these sources said, wanted to put Jackson in the whitest capital on Earth.

Mr. Obama swore again that he would help retire Hillary Clinton's campaign debt.  To that end he ordered big transparent bowls placed at the reception desks of government agencies, so people can put in coins and bills.  Next to each bowl is a cardboard cutout of Hillary looking sad.

The president promised that, if Clinton's debt is not retired in six months, he would hold a nationally televised telethon for her featuring "Barack's kids."

The president said he is personally acting on his wish that all Americans learn Spanish, and is learning the language himself.  The first words and phrases he learned were "messiah," "saintly," and "president-for-life."  He said these happened to be at the beginning of the book.

The Treasury Department announced a sweeping package of legislation that would triple the taxes on oil companies.  The companies responded by saying they would pass on the taxes to customers, dramatically raising the price of gasoline.  The White House said that revenue from the new taxes would be given to the American people to offset the new increases in gas prices. 

"What you see is news.  What you know is background.  What you feel is opinion."
    - Lester Markel,
      late Sunday editor of
      The New York Times

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