I DON'T GET IT – AT 7:47 P.M. ET:  There was this soccer game on TV today.  I understand it was important to some people.

Maybe it's my action-oriented American sensibility, but I don't get that game.  I mean, consider:  A bunch of boys in silly Bermuda shorts and bright colors run onto this field.  They have this ball that they kick around, minute after minute.

Nothing happens.

Then they hit it with their heads.

Nothing happens.

You want to root for someone, but you can't because the names of their teams are printed in such small letters that you can't read a thing on TV. 

Nothing happens.

The fans in the stands blow these horns that drive everyone crazy, and no one does anything about it.

Nothing happens.

On each end of the field are these big nets large enough to capture a truck.  Yet all these boys, who are supposed to be the best, can't get that little ball into that huge net.

Nothing happens.

Then, way toward the end, after all of us have fallen asleep, one guy gets the ball into the net, scores one point, and the whole world erupts.

Whatever happened to respectable scores, like 45-33, Oklahoma; or 7-4, Yankees?  Those are games!

Look, I have a ball in my office, for exercise.  I kick it around.  I bump it with my head, although not intentionally.  I can kick it between two stereo speakers every time.  Does anyone cheer me with loud horns?  Do I get love letters from readers?  Do I get to wear the silly shorts?   Of course not.

The whole soccer thing is a fraud.  Soccer moms should be alerted.  I can do that better than those foreign guys.  I'm available.  We Americans are great.

And we can go nine innings or four quarters.

July 10, 2010